Back in intensive care at 4 weeks old

We are currently sat in intensive care after a ridiculously scary day.

Max has had a bit of a cold that I put down to milk puke for the last couple of days. Yesterday he kept trying to cry but no noise came out as if he had a sore throat. Then over night he kept screaming as if he was having a nightmare, but wouldn’t wake up. He fed yesterday but less than normal and his latch hasnt been great but overnight he refused to feed. He wouldn’t wake up even when I stripped him off. After almost panicking I managed to get him to feed at 6am (last feed before that was 1am).

Then we tried again at 9 as he kept crying out and was obviously due a feed. He wouldn’t wake up. So with the health visitor coming at 11.30 at 10.30 we were about to get a bottle out to try and get some fluids into him. He woke up so we decided a feed direct might work and put him on the left boob. He stayed on for 20 mins (normally averages around 8 mins) and the health visitor showed up whilst feeding.

We were discussing Fridays visit to GOSH as well as my concerns over him bot feeding and screaming out when he went blue. He stopped breathing for at least 30 seconds and was unresponsive.

I panicked. Gave him to the health visitor as she is the professional and cried. I couldn’t bring myself to look at him. He seemed to take forever to not only start breathing again but to actually become responsive and get colour back. Even then his eyes were spaced out and he was grey. He was not ok. We were about to call the GP when he did it again so called 999.

They were sending out a paramedic car and when we were sat with the health visitor he had another episode. So we rang 999 again and they sent out an ambulance as well. The paramedic car arrived whilst on the phone.

I was an absolute mess. My husband stayed calm but I was shit. I have no idea what I would have done without him and the health visitor there.

No make – up on thank god, otherwise it would all be down my face. Red eyes, puffy skin and hair a mess from over playing with it nervously. But this is what it looks like to be trying to hold it together when you feel like shite.

They did their tests on him and told me to get things ready to go to hospital. Bag packed and blue lighted to our local hospital. He had another episode in the ambulance and then when being assessed at hospital he had 3 more in 10 minutes. He was on an enforced breathing thingymajig and still stopped breathing so they were having to manually get him to breathe with it.

They made the decision to take him into intensive care and put him to sleep on a ventilator whilst awaiting a team to transfer him to a specialist children’s hospital.

Tube in for feeding, breathing, catheter in for peeing, tubes in for drips, xrays, head scans and lots of monitors later. Our baby is in an induced coma not breathing for himself. Whilst we are sat in the waiting room, completely helpless or able to do anything.

Suspected bronchitis or sepsis.

We are now being transfered to the specialist hospital in another ambulance. He will be admitted and in a coma for at least 3 days.

I feel fucking horrible. Were the screams last night other episodes where he stopped breathing? I kept saying to my husband “something’s not right, my guts telling me something is wrong”. Why didn’t I bring him in yesterday when his silent screams were making me cry. Why couldn’t I have kept my shit together and put on my big girl pants to deal with him rather than going into a panicked cry.

My poor baby. He’s 4 weeks old. This shouldn’t be happening.